Goodbye, Grandpa!

What a downer weekend I had!

After receiving the news that my last surviving grandparent fell a week and a half ago and was left undiscovered for almost 3 days, my youngest brother and I made the decision to drive down to Salem for what very well could have been our last visit with him. We are both decisively estranged from our father, who we knew we'd have to face in order to see our grandpa, his father. As if seeing our wounded and ailing grandpa weren't enough, we were forced to share the same space and breathe the same air as a man who, other than assisting in giving us life, is essentially worthless to this world.

So, Saturday morning, bright and early, I headed to the "other side" to pick up my brother and start our trip south. We arrived at Grandpa's house around 4:30pm. The man who calls himself "Dad" met us outside. Wow, he's slimmed down and shaved the beard he's worn for as long as I can remember! I commented on both. He hugs us both (we oblige for some reason) and tells E how he's missed him. We go inside, make small talk, notice how nothing of value is left inside Grandpa's house, and we leave to go see Grandpa at the nursing home "Dad" put him in.

Grandpa fell on his way to the bathroom on a Tuesday evening right before sitting down to eat his dinner he'd just prepared. He either suffered a heart attack or possibly just lost his balance. At any rate, he fell into a vintage cradle his sons had slept in as babies. In doing so, he suffered trauma to his face, arms and ribs at the very least. And there he lay, possibly in and out of conciousness for almost 3 days!!! The thought of this breaks my heart into pieces! We were told of his current state before going to see him--he's unable to sit up unassisted, has lost complete control over his bladder and bowels, his breathing is labored due to the bruised ribs and probably the state of his internal organs, which are in the process of shutting down, he has bruises and traumas all over his visible skin, and he just lays in his bed. We were told he hadn't eaten in 2 days and is angry much of the time, and had lost any will to live. Well, with knowing all of this, and walking into his room, I can't even express how happy it made me to see his face truly light up when he saw my brother and I. He reached for E's hand and held on with the tightest grip! He clasped my hand with his other and told me how good I was looking to him. We sat with him, talking about memories, current life for us, how horrible his dinner tasted--he exclaimed, "If I cooked this for myself, I'd fire myself!" His brain is still fully intact and he still has his sense of humor. It was painful to listen to his labored breathing and his weak coughs to clear the fluid in his lungs, which I'm sure will turn into infection in only a matter of time. More news on his health--his PSA count is WAYYYYY up (the prostate cancer is definitely back), there's a very significant growth on his 3rd vertebrae, a growth in his kidney that is early cancer, and his organs are in "shut down mode" because he layed for so long with so many traumas. Doctors say if he'd layed there just 12 hours longer, he probably would not have made it.

My tears began after saying goodbye and kissing his cheek, and on the walk outside. I know that this may very well be my last memory of my grandpa, the man I took my middle name from, the man who so loved his wife, in spite of her vengeful nature and spitefulness (is that even a word?) The man who adores his grandchildren and great grandchildren so much, and feels so grateful to have been blessed with a granddaughter AND a great granddaughter (girls are very rare in this family!) This man is 87 years old (I think!)

I won't waste my words or the space in my blog with stories, good or bad, about my father. I'll just say that I think, by far, he was more uncomfortable around E and I than we were around him. It was quite interesting, comical and just plain pathetic, to say the least.

I am home now. I am conflicted in so many of my emotions now. I am surrounded by people who love me now. I will survive my sadness because I am a survivor now... and always!